Cowell: Stupid Might Beat Boring But I’m Tired of Throwing the Punches

Knob manufacturers Arton and Leonard Brother have negotiated a deal with Simon Cowell for a new television show. American Preservationist will debut on ABC on March 16, 2012 and it will be hosted by Stephen Hawking. Executive producers will be Brother’s sister Susie Brother Love, former CEO of Hallmark’s NASA division, and folk singer Gordon Lightfoot. Lightfoot will arrange the title tune, a “sunny keyboard version” of Natalie Cole’s “Miss You Like Crazy.”

Simon Cowell describes the show as “an Idol show for anyone or anything on the verge of extinction.” The difference between the new show and Cowell’s previous endeavors, he says, is that this time he’s turning the spotlight on things actually worth saving. Cowell claims that he’s “dead tired” of disposable teen idols and painfully regrets signing new three-year deals with ITV for Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor recently. He says that the prospect of having to endure “ridiculous assclowns” well into his sixties scares him shitless.

The Brothers are excited about the opportunity to get a break from the knob business. “You know, it’s a broad concept. We can move from Tony Orlando to Mike Love to a moth-ridden desk in an instant. Hopefully we’ll squeeze some knob handles in there as well, but that’s not really important to us. This is an opportunity for us to do something completely different — and it’s nice not to worry about profits for a change, because no one honestly expects the concept to catch on with sponsors. We’re doing it because it’s not knobs.”

Stephen Hawking does not want to comment on his role. When we asked him about the show at a local protest against plans to enlarge a hotel complex on the River Cam recently, he simply shrugged his shoulder. Metaphorically.